My google searches for "Jennifer Aniston boobs" failed to turn up any solid information on when the world's first sewage system was created, so let's just say it was 40,000 years ago, and lucious breasts as finally seen in The Good Girl were somehow involved. Up until this time, 40,000 years ago, man was no different from beast. Sure, there were some differences, man for instance had much less fur. But they both decorated their caves with the carcases of human infants and they both flung their excrement into the streets, or in the case of beasts, into other beasts.

All of that changed when the human race invented crapping into holes connected to tunnels filled with water that eventually fed into the rivers and oceans inhabited by beast. Now not only did man have a technology to trump beast's face ripping claws, but he also wasn't the one swimming in someone elses crap. (The Japanese would later march mankind even further into the future by crapping into eachother's mouths, thus making the internet insanely popular.)

Now all that stood between mankind and outer space was a way to somehow attach the rocket ship to the sewage system so that the astronauts wouldn't arrive on the moon covered in crap, resulting in the first war with aliens having nothing to do with taking over the earth for it's precious resources and everything to do with not showing up on someones doorstep covered in your own waste.

However, there was a chilling consequence to this new waste management system. Deep within the newly invented sewers a new enemy of man was rising. More fierce and competent than the beast and capable of kidnapping princesses a rate so alarming that only a person being punched in the eyes by a swarm of flesh eating alarm clocks wouldn't be alarmed by it.

A hero was needed and quick! Enter Mario. Fresh off a quest to dodge as many gorilla-thrown barrels as possible Mario was looking for some action. His skills as a plumber might somehow give him an advantage against the new enemy that lurked below. Many questioned whether his barrel dodging skills qualified him for such a task, "What if the enemy doesn't even have any barrels, he might be tempted to throw something different, like goddamn fireballs from his mouth. What are you going to do then?!" But critics were easily dealt with, Mario simply smashed his fist against some bricks until a fireball power-up popped out and started throwing fireballs at his critics shouting, "I don't know, what would you do if someone threw fireballs at you, smoldering ash face?!

To be continued...


After playing 3000 variations on the game Tank on the Atari 2600, an image of a Scottish house painter slamming into a brick wall covered in fireballs was necessary to entice gamers to buy your game in the 80's.