You may be wondering why Shelly hasn't updated her diary since we left for France. Well, the short version is that she met Gerard Depardieu on the Metro; he stole her away from me, I deftly attempted to steal her back, and then he deftly broke both my legs and had me deported.

Shelly's new boyfriend.	A fan-drawn portrait of Gerard. Note that his face appears to be made of a penis, testicles, and a butt.

Although the experience of losing my girlfriend has left me imbittered, it's also left me with a great deal of free time, all of which I've used to beat three video games in the past month. And if recent research that links playing video games to violence is accurate, then, let's just say I'll be karate-chopping my way back into Shelly's life one day soon.