I sent Shelly a list of questions for her to answer, and now she's retaliated with her own list of hard-hitting questions. The kind of serious, pointed questions you might hear asked in a murder trial, if the lawyers were 3 year-olds like in the improved judicial system I'm proposing right here in this very sentence. "Your honor, I object! And the defense calls for a recess so I can make poopy."

1. If you had the choice of an animal to live as for a day, what would it be?

I can't go even a day without watching TV, so it will have to be an animal that can comprehend contemporary situation comedies, such as Friends. I'm not sure if any animal meets that requirement. I once saw in a movie a gorilla that could talk by wearing a special glove. Maybe if they could adapt the glove technology so that it translates Friends into gorilla something could be worked out.

2. Mauve or purple?

Purple, because the word 'mauve' is derived from the French language. The very same French language used by the people in France, whom I detest!

3. Which Meg Ryan role is your favorite and why?

Sally in When Harry Met Sally because of that scene she's driving Billy Crystal in her car and he spits his grape seeds (cherry pit?) into the window. Man, only Meg could have pulled that scene off. Also, while conducting some research into Meg's career in preparation to answer this question I noticed she provided the voice for a character in TV's Captian Planet and the Planeteers. She played Dr. Blight, which sounds like a villain's name. Since I'm totally pro-the planet, Dr. Blight is my least favorite Meg Ryan role.

4. If you were told to pack a bag for the weekend and you weren't told where you were travelling to, what electronic device would you want to take?

This is a great question! Unfortunately the answer is really dull. Game Boy.

5. Leprechaun, Oompa Loompa or Menehune?

This question is not so hot, but I've hidden the answer to it right here --> menehune. Perhaps the exciting hunt for the answer will be enough to rescue this question from the doldrums!

6. Why doesn't the Sharif like it?

Someone should hire Omar Sharif to do an op-ed column using this question as the title. Oh, look, someone already did!

7. Would Arnold Schwarzenegger as "The Running Man" be able to out-run Arnold Schwarzenegger as "The Terminator?"

No.

8. This begs the question: Michael Biehn vs. Michael Biehn with mustache

Man, your questions are way better than the ones I posed to you. If I had known this was going to be serious I would have totally asked you questions about Michael Biehn's mustache. The answer is without mustache, of course!

9. Is your chicken kitchen fresh?

Oops, this must have accidentally come off your list of questions you ask the employees at Kentucky Fried Chicken if you want them to spit in your cole slaw. I'll let them answer it.

10. Would you wiggle it, just a little bit?

This is getting embarrassing.