Acneboy

2002-02-15 10:20 a.m.

Cautionary Advice for the Rich

Rich people may have swimming pools filled with money instead of water (see figure 1), and thus the inherent ability to swim without having to dry off afterwards, but with all that wealth acquired on the backs of poor people like me and probably you, comes the responsibility not to spend it all hot air ballooning around the world in order to break the only record breakable only by rich people: World's dumbest, prohibitively expensive pursuit of glory.

Figure 1

A rich man starts off his day with a brisk swim through his money.

As demonstrated in the greatest Cautionary Tale/Documentary of all time, Trading Places starring rich man Dan Aykroyd and poor man Eddie "I'm Actually Rich" Murphy, rich people eventually do dumb things and lose all their money. Losing money is only entertaining when A) It isn't yours, and B) It is a rich persons'. In order to prevent this highly entertaining loss of wealth the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad contains a passage of Do's and Don'ts that can only be revealed by rubbing the ashes of a burnt 10000 dollar bill into the blank pages in the back. Here is an excerpt from the passage (presented in the color that most closely approximates the look of an ingot):

Do:

own a fancy car that no one else could possibly own.
use the phrase "gold you" instead of "thank you"
relate to middle class people stories about how you were once middle class, but are, thankfully, not anymore!

Dont:

hunt poor people for sport
start a dinosaur theme park
finance expeditions to an abandoned dinosaur theme park taken over by dinosaurs

For another example of money preserving advice for the rich one need only look at the latest issue of Widescreen Review, a magazine that caters to the tastes of audio and videophiles, otherwise known as rich people, or, moneyphiles. In an article entitled Dirty Little Secrets the author warns readers against purchasing equipment based on how it sounds in a demo room, as the room acoustics of their own homes will probably negatively alter the performance of the equipment. The author neglects the fact that these people can have someone killed for sneezing on their air, and can most certainly afford to revamp their entire estate in order to accomodate a new 11 channel amplifier.

Check back later for Additional "Bonus!" Entertainment

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