For Christmas I got Shelly the exact opposite of a digital camera, which is either a Lite-brite, or a 35mm SLR capable of fully-pretentious manual operation. You decide. As for what I received, if you've ever wondered where teddy bears go when they die, the answer is: my new jacket - it's that soft. Consequently, there are no teddy bears in heaven. There are teddy bears in hell, though, but only the evil ones that suffocate babies. Thanks, Shelly!

My New Year's resolution is to be even dumber than last year, and so far so good. I already asked a helicopter pilot the dumbest question ever, which is, "If there's a volcanic eruption, and the island is sinking, you'd just hop in your helicopter and fly to safety, right?" I then proceeded to trip on my own shoe laces for three hours straight!

Now that it's 2004 all those companies that were tearing at the fabric of time by calling themselves Plumbing 2000 and Computer Repair 2000 when it was still 1998 look that much more archaic and decrepit; that's why I called my company Catapults and Muskets 3000. *Badum tssss!* ROOAAAARRRR! *thrash* *thrash* Thanks for the rimshot, Chewbacca!